Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Time to let it go...again

Anyone who has followed my blog during one of our adoption waits knows what a hard time I have handing the adoption wait stress over to God. I trust Him completely when He plants the seed for another adoption in our hearts and I trust that He'll provide the funds we need for the adoption each time...but I always have a hard time trusting that His timeline is better than mine. How crazy is that?

I can look back at each adoption and think of things I thought would be better done my way and see how wrong I was. I have proof living under my roof of how wonderful God is. I have children that would not be mine had I not listened to God and followed His plan. How come I can't relax and let Him control this adoption? It's a struggle. I give it to Him and then wrestle it back. Repeatedly.

It all seems much more serious this time. Little Cece needs to be home. She needs medical care. Each day that she waits makes her chance of ever walking a bit less likely. And we are okay with that. But we want her to have every opportunity to walk, if possible. So time is our enemy. When we were reviewing her file, all the information we got was bad news. News that typically would have sent us fleeing. News that was far worse than issues in other files that we felt we couldn't handle. But it was different this time because she was our daughter. Honestly, it was one thing after another. As soon as we felt we could handle something another serious issue would come up with another doctor. Funny, but it got to the point that they were making me angry because this was my child they were saying these things about. I knew then and there that I would go to the ends of the earth for this little girl. That we would take her even if worst case would be her (and our) reality. And I'd be thankful for the honor and privilege of being her mama.

So these past few days of realizing how reusing our dossier may make our wait to go get our daughter even longer have really frustrated me. I am having a hard time focusing on the One who is in control. I am ashamed of that. I need to remember what I said here on this blog when waiting for Coralie. God loves Cecilia even more than we do. He created her just the way she is and He knows what's best for her. If He plans for her to walk, it doesn't matter if we get her next month or next year. Why am I questioning His timing??? He has never let me down. Ever. So this is my typical adoption process 'letting go' post.

It's yours, God. I don't want to carry the burden when You've already got it under control. I am tired of beating my head against the wall when all I need is to trust You.

Ahhhh...That feels so much better. :)


Mike and Sharon said...

I have found the same thing. With each adoption I tell God that I will be rejoice in His timing, and inevitably find myself struggling with the wait. Each trial is like a workout--we don't enjoy it while we are in its midst--but we are stronger when we are done. God is good, and nothing we do can speed His timing. CeCe will be home soon--because He knows her need for surgery.

Cheri said...

Wow, that is so much easier said than done. How many times did I pick my burden of worry back up off the ground and throw them back on my shoulders when all along I had someone willing to carry them for me? Too many.

The Byrd's Nest said...

We ALL have this problem, you are certainly not alone sweet sister! I am praying like the dickens that she is home soon, I think that it is not wrong to want her to be home and long for her to be in your arms...after all...she is your baby girl:) God understands that...I am praying!

StacieLeigh said...

Lisa, this is Stacie (Love my 3 of GF). I'm not really on there often at this point and I haven't checked in on your blog in forever, but something made me think of it today and I'm so glad I did. I had no idea you were adopting again... so exciting! The kids and I will pray for you during our morning devotion time. They love to pray for special prayer requests, especially for little ones! Hugs and prayers to all of you! -stacie