Monday, September 03, 2007

Sigh

Friday morning must have been our honeymoon period because things have just gone downhill from there. Brady is not doing well. He's either screaming and raging or in a daze and he's obviously in quite a bit of pain. For the most part he is still rejecting me until I give up and walk away and then he goes ballistic wanting me to hold him. My heart breaks for him because up to this point life has basically stunk for him. Why should he trust that we are here for him forever? Or that we aren't going to take him back or pass him along to another set of strangers? That is all he has known. To see him in this physical pain and not trusting me enough to let me comfort him is so sad and so hard for a mama. Getting him to eat and drink has been difficult. Every meal, he fights it for about a half hour until finally he gives in. I have only known one other kid in my life who was so 'my way or the highway' and that is Allie. Yikes! Either God really trusts me or He is punishing me! LOL Brady is actually even worse than Allie when it comes to controlling behavior and that is not good. I am hoping that will lessen when he gets more secure with us. This morning during one of Brady's fits I could see clearly into his mouth (at least there is one advantage to these outbursts). I could see that already his palate was opening back up. His surgeon told us that would almost definitely happen, but I didn't think it would happen so soon or be so big. Now I am just waiting for the entire thing to open back up. When I talked to the surgeon today he said there was nothing that could be done about it before Brady's next surgery in about 3-4 months. The last I had heard was another surgery in 6-7 months. I have tears in my eyes as I type this. I can't put my baby back through this in just 3-4 months. I am so discouraged. We could really use some prayers. For healing, for attachment and bonding, for Brady to somehow know that he has a FAMILY now that loves him no matter what and that it is safe for him to love us too. I have been holding it together all day but now that everyone else is in bed and I can put my thoughts together it really helps to type it all out so that I can try to process all that I am feeling.

The bright side to all this is that every smile that I get from Brady these days feels like a million bucks:)

12 comments:

mommy24treasures said...

oh Lisa
I do pray for strength for you. You are the momma, the one that has to be strong all day long. I know... Hold on to the fact that He called you for this. He put in you everything you need to do this. You can do this. He is your strength right this moment and is energizing you for tomorrow. It is going to get better. When it starts feeling so dark and hopless and it seems its getting darker instead of lighter; just remember and focus on you... out of all the momma's in the world...you... were chose to be this beautiful strong fiesty boy's mother. You. We all see in you amazing strength even when you don't see it. We have hope in you and know you can handle this. It isn't a bed of roses, it stinks you are having to deal with this right now, just when things were getting to some sort of normal, whatever that is, but you can get through, You can. When it feels you are most alone we are thinking of you, prayiing for you and He is holding you and sustaining you.
Love
Connie

Sheryl said...

Lisa, I will be praying for Brady, you and the rest of your family as you go through all this. I have been silently following your blog, but just want you to know that I'm out here tonight praying for you. God's plan is so hard sometimes. Brady has come a long way, and I will be praying that any lost ground will be gained back quickly. Hugs from your Feb2005DTC friend (Graycen's mama)

LaLa said...

I am so sorry you are all having to go through this. It is so difficult because he is too young to understand what is happening and why. Knowing he has already been through so much makes it all the more difficult. Prayers sent up for you and all of your family and huge HUGS sent your way.

Kelly said...

Lisa, I am so sorry you are having to go through all this. I pray each day gets better.

The Byrd Family said...

Oh Lisa...I wish I lived closer to you we would have so much in common. I thought Lottie was my most strong willed but Emma beats Lottie & her big sister by miles and miles! EVERYTHING I do with Emma even after nine months is a struggle but it has lightened up a bit. Brady sounds to me like he must be Emma's virtual twin! Every meal she tells me no and I act like I am taking her plate away from the table and then she will pout and then I will bring it back and she will eat. I'm just telling you these things so you won't feel so alone.

Precious Jesus, please be with our good friend Lisa and her family. Give her the strength she needs to get through each day with these precious children that you have given to her. Even though the days seem dark please let her see your light. We know that we can never have a challenge that YOU cannot empower us to meet. We will never have a need that YOU cannot fill. When we allow you Lord God to be all you can be to us we are whole. I know Lisa must feel very alone, please wrap your loving arms around her for us. In your son's most precious name. Amen.

Julie said...

We will be praying for your family and your little man. I have been following your journey (We are a fellow Harrah's family.)and have been praying for Brady's adjustment.

Hannah said...

Lisa - My prayers are with you. Love you!

Sue said...

Lisa,

I hope that writing this post was therapeutic. I have Brady in my prayers - as well as you and all your family - and hope that you are seeing some of that sunny personality today! Hopefully what you are seeing w/ his palate is not as bad as you think. And even though it will be extremely difficult to see him undergo surgery again, you will have the strength to do so...and we all hope that the little light will go off for him - to know that YOU are mama and will be there to provide and comfort him when things are rough.

Sue B + family

Angie said...

Hey Lisa - know that you are all in my prayers.
Love - Angie

Cindy said...

Lisa,
My heart is breaking for Brady & you. Please know that your friends in Philly are thinking of you and wishing you both healing...physically and emotionally. Without even "knowing" you, I know that you are incredibly strong and so is Brady. Your family will walk this journey together and come through it stronger and closer than you ever imagined. Have faith Lisa and know that people from all over the country, all of the world are cheering you and your family on. You are an incredible role model for Moms everywhere!!!! keep up all your fantastic work! your friend in philly, Cindy A
Jan 2007 DTC group

Kim T said...

Lisa,

As I was reading the problems you are having with Brady, I thought you were writing about Emmie. The only way to calm her down during her early tantrums was to walk away. She would chase me down and start to settle down. Once the rages started I would do the same thing and she would follow me until I picked her up. Once I picked her up she would push me away with such force I would nearly drop her. I KNOW the feeling that you are not up to the challenge of this child. I have been there. I have cried more tears than I ever thought I would because I felt so inadequate as her mother. I wondered if I could ever "reach her" to help her heal from her early trauma. It is getting better though. Day by day, little by little.

Hang in there. YOU are a Warrior Mom! You will reach him in time. This I do not doubt.

Linda said...

I'm so sorry. I have followed your journey to Brady even before you left to get him, and I so admire you and the love that is shown to your family. I will pray for strength for you and for Brady.

Blessings,
Linda